My  mom on her teens

Anda sempre tão unido 

O meu tormento comigo,
Que eu mesmo sou meu perigo.  

                                                                                                                           Luis de Camões
 

James 1:2 

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds.

The thing is, you have felt God's heavy hand on your face so many times, you went trough such horrors that turned out to make you better, more human, more humble, you start to trust His mercy, even when it's not clear you're acting according to His will, even when it's clear you're not.

Perhaps I should fear Him. I know I should. In fact, I can only fear myself. Day in, day out I have to live with this surprising being that I am, deal with thoughts, hopes, frustrations, physical pains, discomforts, pleasures and numbness, vanity, arrogance, harshness and irritation, sudden mood swings, impulses, regrets, spontaneous and unexpected smiles by a simple thought or sight, nervousness that makes me count all kinds of corners, poles, vehicles tires, windows...

I have to deal with the fact that some days I can walk and some days my legs feel tied to one another. So if I go out, I stumble and am clumsy, the ground does not feel safe. Some days I hardly recognize myself in the mirror, even though I might look better than I thought I was.

There are urges to be alone, to have a nap, urges to cry, to scream, to have a break from your thoughts. Days when the voice is clear, or when it won't come out at all, like someone is strangling you. Urge to be home, urge to be in movement. All so intense I really have to let go of control if I want any social life at all.

If it comes, whatever it comes, deal with it, wherever you are, as calmly as you can.

Crying is easy, you only need a toilet and they are pretty much always at hand. Getting back home is not much of a problem mostly as well.

It only takes courage, lots of courage because you don't usually see people having to deal with themselves in such a way, so you must decide whatever on your own, no use to share such oddities.

And for many moments, you forget that you're alive. You just live and it's all right. You answer e-mails, go through your affairs, eat, play with your dog, work, meet people, talk and talk, laugh yourself to tears, hear music... but that moment comes, when something inside exclaims: Holy Macro! You're alive! What should you do with it?! Is it okay to keep on going like this?! What is expected from you?!

I wake up like that every now and then. Open my eyes and my heart bangs in my ears. It's like having to run from yourself, getting up fast, after a prayer, talking with yourself as loud as emptiness from people around you allow: Shower! Coffee! Cigarette! Work! Courage, my dear, you can do it! It's not a big deal to be alone, you were born that way, you will die that way. The space is huge and you're insignificant in a way, but you're here and it's all right, even though you don't understand at all.

It's only when I start the prayers, only when I reach out for God and my guardian Angel, only then I find energy, strength and courage to go through it all by myself (with Their unconditional company), by my little self, all considered.

Silence is a good method, but it can come out violently.

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